When parents die, children deeply grieve over them. Each of the children will cope and deal with the loss in his or her own unique way. Then comes the inevitable Will and inheritance to complicate mourning and loss… Sibling rivalry over personal belongings, finances, family homes or land. At first sight, we always jump to the conclusion of wealth and greed. However, there seems to be more to inheritance conflicts than meets the eye.
Inheritance conflicts actually are underlying indications of children’s need to feel connected, and being important to the parent. Personal items inherited, even family homes or land, are not about material aspects only. It is rather what the items symbolise to the grieving children. Grandma’s riempies bank, mum’s wedding band, dad’s old reading glasses, whatever the item; each has a particular value and story. Each item inherited serves as a connection to history, to where we come from, memories of childhood, the people we loved and who shared our lives, and especially as reminder of how much our parents loved us.
How a parent decides who inherits what, is therefore the final grade of how children interpret the parent’s love for them. And how well that parent knew and understood his of her children's needs. Whether this is a true and realistic reflection of that parent’s love is irrelevant. The Will is a parent’s final and last wishes and is interpreted as the conclusive judgment of what the parent presumably felt towards the child.
Basically, every hug or kiss, every tear or laugh shared during a life-time, becomes eclipsed by the emotional weight of what is written in a Will. Suddenly a life-long relationship is cut down to some belongings, photo albums and (maybe) a bank account…
Therefore, considering the said emotional aspects and/or symbolic meanings of inheritance, financial compensation versus actual items, for example, is not considered as the same type of connection to or love from the parent (e.g. the one child gets money and the other gets the family home). Parents should keep that in mind.
Neither is a Will the place to compensate for “deserving actions” from a child. Estate lawyers warn in particular against such actions. Rather compensate the “more deserving” child in another way, separately.
Any inheritance also reawakens old sibling rivalries. All children (even mature adults!) are extremely sensitive to any perception of unfairness. Any sign of possible favouritism can support suspicions that a particular sibling was always more loved (Why did mum still did my sister’s school tie at grade 10 every morning, while I had to make my own since grade 4? Hypothetical example.)
After a parent’s death, siblings then easily become life-long reminders of “failure to be a good enough son or daughter” or “not being loved equally” or betrayal by siblings themselves, regularly leading to permanent relationship breakdowns. It may seem as if, even after parents’ death, siblings seemingly continue to rival for their love. It becomes much more than being upset over inheritance per se.
In addition long forgotten, old family hurts may reawaken, and over and above the trauma of losing a loved parent, even more complicated processes of grief are triggered. As a matter of fact, the surviving children now have to cope with more than one grieving process simultaneously.
Of course, different families have different situations. Where a sibling actually rival beforehand to convince a parent of their loyalty or love or good intentions in order for another sibling to inherit less (or the perceptions thereof exists) the whole family dynamics or equilibrium turns upside down. The “outsider” sibling regularly experiences rejection and the worst kind of betrayal. No betrayal is worse than being betrayed by those you love and trusted.
It is no wonder that inheritances, therefore, so often lead to heirs/families being torn apart!
http://2020insight.com/avoiding-inheritance-conflicts/#sthash.rGkhITOJ.dpuf
http://2020insight.com/avoiding-inheritance-conflicts/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200607/how-can-i-deal-unfair-will
Inheritance conflicts actually are underlying indications of children’s need to feel connected, and being important to the parent. Personal items inherited, even family homes or land, are not about material aspects only. It is rather what the items symbolise to the grieving children. Grandma’s riempies bank, mum’s wedding band, dad’s old reading glasses, whatever the item; each has a particular value and story. Each item inherited serves as a connection to history, to where we come from, memories of childhood, the people we loved and who shared our lives, and especially as reminder of how much our parents loved us.
How a parent decides who inherits what, is therefore the final grade of how children interpret the parent’s love for them. And how well that parent knew and understood his of her children's needs. Whether this is a true and realistic reflection of that parent’s love is irrelevant. The Will is a parent’s final and last wishes and is interpreted as the conclusive judgment of what the parent presumably felt towards the child.
Basically, every hug or kiss, every tear or laugh shared during a life-time, becomes eclipsed by the emotional weight of what is written in a Will. Suddenly a life-long relationship is cut down to some belongings, photo albums and (maybe) a bank account…
Therefore, considering the said emotional aspects and/or symbolic meanings of inheritance, financial compensation versus actual items, for example, is not considered as the same type of connection to or love from the parent (e.g. the one child gets money and the other gets the family home). Parents should keep that in mind.
Neither is a Will the place to compensate for “deserving actions” from a child. Estate lawyers warn in particular against such actions. Rather compensate the “more deserving” child in another way, separately.
Any inheritance also reawakens old sibling rivalries. All children (even mature adults!) are extremely sensitive to any perception of unfairness. Any sign of possible favouritism can support suspicions that a particular sibling was always more loved (Why did mum still did my sister’s school tie at grade 10 every morning, while I had to make my own since grade 4? Hypothetical example.)
After a parent’s death, siblings then easily become life-long reminders of “failure to be a good enough son or daughter” or “not being loved equally” or betrayal by siblings themselves, regularly leading to permanent relationship breakdowns. It may seem as if, even after parents’ death, siblings seemingly continue to rival for their love. It becomes much more than being upset over inheritance per se.
In addition long forgotten, old family hurts may reawaken, and over and above the trauma of losing a loved parent, even more complicated processes of grief are triggered. As a matter of fact, the surviving children now have to cope with more than one grieving process simultaneously.
Of course, different families have different situations. Where a sibling actually rival beforehand to convince a parent of their loyalty or love or good intentions in order for another sibling to inherit less (or the perceptions thereof exists) the whole family dynamics or equilibrium turns upside down. The “outsider” sibling regularly experiences rejection and the worst kind of betrayal. No betrayal is worse than being betrayed by those you love and trusted.
It is no wonder that inheritances, therefore, so often lead to heirs/families being torn apart!
http://2020insight.com/avoiding-inheritance-conflicts/#sthash.rGkhITOJ.dpuf
http://2020insight.com/avoiding-inheritance-conflicts/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200607/how-can-i-deal-unfair-will
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