Is there such a thing as a perfect match? If so, what would it look like? Would we want it, if it existed?
How much should one sacrifice in a relationship?
And, where does selfishness fit in, if at all?
Surely not new questions.
Personally, I think we should rephrase and rather work towards a healthy match, or, a healthy relationship. So, read on.
In the old O. Henry tale, "The Gift of the Magi, 1906" Della and James was the real perfect match. For Christmas, James sold his gold watch to buy Della combs for her beautiful hair. But then Della cut and sold her hair to buy a gold chain for James’ watch….their gifts and sacrifices matched perfectly.
But at what cost? The nature of true love is self-sacrifice but here, both ended up without something they really valued above all else. Della’s long luxurious hair that fell to her knees (Symbolically, her femininity entwined in her hair.) The gold pocket watch that once belonged to Henry’s grandfather, an heirloom to be passed on to the men in the family (His stature as man of the household?)
Sure, Della can grow her hair again in a couple of years. But James would never get his watch back. And of course, we can argue both valued each other more than the so-called prized possessions. We can also argue it was an attempt to “full partnership” in the relationship* (in which case, O.Henry was centuries before equality between men and women even dared to raise its head – or the burning of Bra’s). But while we can debate for hours on end about all the possible messages in this short story, let’s focus rather on perfect versus healthy relationships.
Such a perfect match as described above unfortunately, is full of irony. And full of wisdom versus foolishness! Was any of the two a little more selfish [or practical], at least one would still have a prized possession. Yet both sacrificed their greatest treasures to make the other one happy, without actually thinking through the consequences. (Result was, both ended up without something they actually needed). Hmm, I definitely don’t want to end up in such a position.
Such sacrifices do not always makes sense because let’s face it, none of us can be as wise as O.Henry, in those 3 hours he had to write such a story (due to deadlines).
I often see couples willing to sacrifice even all their values, their beliefs, their interests, their own needs, in order to make their partner/s happy (Granted, not always knowingly, but as part of a process of sacrifice for the relationship).
Is it a wise decision to sacrifice your most precious possessions? (In this case I am not referring to wealth or items per se). We all sacrifice. It’s part of any relationship. But too much - too often such relationships eventually fail. When you sacrifice too much, you are also not the person your partner fell in love with originally, anymore. You become someone/-thing else, entirely. And, you eventually become so full of resentment towards your partner….
And then afterwards you wonder, what went wrong.
Research studies show that if you find yourself always being the one who sacrifice—or if you feel forced to make valuable sacrifices—or if you sacrifice too much - then you should tread very carefully.
I am not sure if there is any fine-cut answers (and if there were, I doubt those in love would listen to the wisdom there-of).
Long ago while still studying, my professor told me that the true indicator of a healthy family system; is one where the black sheep “rotates”. In other words, sometimes one partner will be in the dog box, at other times, the other partner (also applicable to children in the household). Everyone gets the opportunity to either be “in trouble” or – if I may generalise to this case – to sacrifice.
I like this. It makes sense. It seems practical. And let’s face it, in this century, we are really forced to even think practical about relationships (what with all the divorce statistics etc).
In healthy relationships, there should be both sacrifice and selfishness. Yes, I do believe at times, you will need to selfish. Not selfish as in always insisting on what you want, or refusing to budge or to change, but selfish enough to consider options, benefits and consequences, and also what it will cost you yourself, as a human being; to do that sacrifice. To grow where needed. Or worse – not to.
Rather work towards a healthy relationship, instead of a perfect or “matching” one – a perfect, matching relationship does not make sense. How would you define such – as Henry and Della? (If I have to spell it out – also consider the age group of these characters. Don’t you find that type of behaviour rather typical of the adolescent age group, instead of what is expected from adults? )
I myself surely do not want to be in a relationship where we both continuously sacrifice 100%. We take it day by day, balancing the practical versus ideal… (Not that it always works, but, being married for so long something here must surely be effective).
Yes, I know, the “ideal” we all work towards is that of each giving 100% in a relationship. But it never happens….And I seriously doubt, it ever will. Furthermore, I doubt if people actually understand what this so-called 100% means. How does it actually work? It’s a lovely, surreal aim – but we have no practical guidelines! So, how can we work around that?
Besides such a wonderful perfect relationship sounding somewhat boring, with limited spark I would bet, I also wonder … how much growth will there be for the indivuals, or the relationships itself; where everyone/some continuously sacrifice so much; that nothing ever changes?
Just some quick rambling to consider….
(*Always consider social and cultural environment when discussing sacrifice in relationships)
Some Reading -
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/when_are_you_sacrificing_too_much_in_your_relationship
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/GifMag.shtml
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-sacrifices
How much should one sacrifice in a relationship?
And, where does selfishness fit in, if at all?
Surely not new questions.
Personally, I think we should rephrase and rather work towards a healthy match, or, a healthy relationship. So, read on.
In the old O. Henry tale, "The Gift of the Magi, 1906" Della and James was the real perfect match. For Christmas, James sold his gold watch to buy Della combs for her beautiful hair. But then Della cut and sold her hair to buy a gold chain for James’ watch….their gifts and sacrifices matched perfectly.
But at what cost? The nature of true love is self-sacrifice but here, both ended up without something they really valued above all else. Della’s long luxurious hair that fell to her knees (Symbolically, her femininity entwined in her hair.) The gold pocket watch that once belonged to Henry’s grandfather, an heirloom to be passed on to the men in the family (His stature as man of the household?)
Sure, Della can grow her hair again in a couple of years. But James would never get his watch back. And of course, we can argue both valued each other more than the so-called prized possessions. We can also argue it was an attempt to “full partnership” in the relationship* (in which case, O.Henry was centuries before equality between men and women even dared to raise its head – or the burning of Bra’s). But while we can debate for hours on end about all the possible messages in this short story, let’s focus rather on perfect versus healthy relationships.
Such a perfect match as described above unfortunately, is full of irony. And full of wisdom versus foolishness! Was any of the two a little more selfish [or practical], at least one would still have a prized possession. Yet both sacrificed their greatest treasures to make the other one happy, without actually thinking through the consequences. (Result was, both ended up without something they actually needed). Hmm, I definitely don’t want to end up in such a position.
Such sacrifices do not always makes sense because let’s face it, none of us can be as wise as O.Henry, in those 3 hours he had to write such a story (due to deadlines).
I often see couples willing to sacrifice even all their values, their beliefs, their interests, their own needs, in order to make their partner/s happy (Granted, not always knowingly, but as part of a process of sacrifice for the relationship).
Is it a wise decision to sacrifice your most precious possessions? (In this case I am not referring to wealth or items per se). We all sacrifice. It’s part of any relationship. But too much - too often such relationships eventually fail. When you sacrifice too much, you are also not the person your partner fell in love with originally, anymore. You become someone/-thing else, entirely. And, you eventually become so full of resentment towards your partner….
And then afterwards you wonder, what went wrong.
Research studies show that if you find yourself always being the one who sacrifice—or if you feel forced to make valuable sacrifices—or if you sacrifice too much - then you should tread very carefully.
I am not sure if there is any fine-cut answers (and if there were, I doubt those in love would listen to the wisdom there-of).
Long ago while still studying, my professor told me that the true indicator of a healthy family system; is one where the black sheep “rotates”. In other words, sometimes one partner will be in the dog box, at other times, the other partner (also applicable to children in the household). Everyone gets the opportunity to either be “in trouble” or – if I may generalise to this case – to sacrifice.
I like this. It makes sense. It seems practical. And let’s face it, in this century, we are really forced to even think practical about relationships (what with all the divorce statistics etc).
In healthy relationships, there should be both sacrifice and selfishness. Yes, I do believe at times, you will need to selfish. Not selfish as in always insisting on what you want, or refusing to budge or to change, but selfish enough to consider options, benefits and consequences, and also what it will cost you yourself, as a human being; to do that sacrifice. To grow where needed. Or worse – not to.
Rather work towards a healthy relationship, instead of a perfect or “matching” one – a perfect, matching relationship does not make sense. How would you define such – as Henry and Della? (If I have to spell it out – also consider the age group of these characters. Don’t you find that type of behaviour rather typical of the adolescent age group, instead of what is expected from adults? )
I myself surely do not want to be in a relationship where we both continuously sacrifice 100%. We take it day by day, balancing the practical versus ideal… (Not that it always works, but, being married for so long something here must surely be effective).
Yes, I know, the “ideal” we all work towards is that of each giving 100% in a relationship. But it never happens….And I seriously doubt, it ever will. Furthermore, I doubt if people actually understand what this so-called 100% means. How does it actually work? It’s a lovely, surreal aim – but we have no practical guidelines! So, how can we work around that?
Besides such a wonderful perfect relationship sounding somewhat boring, with limited spark I would bet, I also wonder … how much growth will there be for the indivuals, or the relationships itself; where everyone/some continuously sacrifice so much; that nothing ever changes?
Just some quick rambling to consider….
(*Always consider social and cultural environment when discussing sacrifice in relationships)
Some Reading -
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/when_are_you_sacrificing_too_much_in_your_relationship
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/GifMag.shtml
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-sacrifices
RSS Feed
