I often write about trauma/s. I (We South Africans) live in a country where trauma unfortunately has become as natural as breathing (THAT is the scary part).
Heck, the issue is not “IF” this or that happens, the question rather is “WHEN”, type of, how often, and what to do to survive; especially how to try and rise above it.
And before I provide ‘standard’ responses traumas, I also have a quick question or so to throw in, just to ponder on in the meantime-
Amidst everything we try to overcome, how often do we consider and empathise with personal differences in coping; also, how our different genders might deal with their experiences of trauma? And, what might possible influences be in our relationships?
Do men and women react differently to trauma? Yes. Does it mean one suffers more than the other? No. Do the differences confuse and often create more tension for couples or the children? Unfortunately too often (That is an additional Topic/Blog altogether, sorry). Is there a difference how children and adults cope with trauma? Yes.
Do we all simply struggle with the same issues to deal with Trauma/s?
Our male counterparts (always remember I write from a female perspective!) experience different attitudes towards life, different acute reactions, different coping styles and different socialisation.
Very often our male counterparts live by all or nothing responses, emotional disconnection or emotional constriction. Also, anger and/or aggressive outbursts, self blame, sexual dysfunction etc. Women might rather tend towards sleeping, sulking, bitching and blaming.
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. There is no right way and no wrong way – unless your coping skills might be negative (i.e. alcohol, drugs, isolation) and unless the grieving period/s continue too long and have impact on loved ones or friends or other family.
Note that THIS is IMPORTANT – Know that after experiencing any trauma, there WILL be a grieving process. Whether it be loss of beliefs (i.e. I thought I was safe; I thought I was above this, I thought I could protect myself and my loved ones) You might grieve the loss of religion, safety, gender beliefs, sexuality; and so much more.
In general, men especially find it difficult as they feel they should have been able/ were required to protect their partner/s. He should have grabbed the gun, He should have grabbed the knife, He should have....
Mostly I am so thankful you (male, female, others) did not blindly succumb to social indoctrinations. Because - If you grabbed the gun...would you have been alive today? Your children? Your wife?
When I counsel anyone who has undergone a trauma, I like to supply them with a ‘letter/document’ after our first session, something tangible to take home, to read when needed, to share with their families ; which captures what they might expect –
Dear….
You have undergone a traumatic experience:
A trauma normally entails an intense shocking confrontation with a possible, life threatening situation. In general, a trauma can be so threatening that a person’s existing coping skills or resources are not really equal to the threat, and may furthermore be inadequate to deal with the negative meanings attached to the traumatic event. Amongst others, a trauma leaves you with feelings of helplessness and anger, and you ‘see’ the world from a different perspective (normally negatively) than before.
Such a traumatic experience could have intense emotional consequences and trauma debriefing and/or counseling is normally recommended to help in preventing the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This occurs when the survivor still experiences the effects of the trauma approximately 6 weeks after the experience/s. Persons who have been subjected to traumatic experiences before, are especially sensitive to developing Post Traumatic Stress.
You may experience the following symptoms for a period of time: (please keep in mind that these reactions are ‘normal reactions to an abnormal events’, such as a robbery, kidnapping, rape, assault, and others; even though each trauma is unique in what is experienced):
Physical
• Eating disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sexual dysfunction
• Low energy
• Chronic, unexplained pain
Emotional
• Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Fearfulness
• Compulsive and obsessive behaviors
• Feeling out of control
• Irritability, angry and resentment
• Emotional numbness
• Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships
Cognitive
• Memory lapses, especially about the trauma
• Difficulty making decisions
• Decreased ability to concentrate
• Feeling distracted
• ADHD symptoms
The following additional symptoms of emotional trauma are commonly associated with a severe precipitating event, such as a natural disaster, exposure to war, rape, assault, violent crime, major car or airplane crashes, or child abuse. Extreme symptoms can also occur as a delayed reaction to the traumatic event.
Re-experiencing the Trauma
• intrusive thoughts
• flashbacks or nightmares
• sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event
Emotional Numbing and Avoidance
• amnesia
• avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event
• detachment
• depression
• guilt feelings
• grief reactions
• an altered sense of time Increased Arousal
• hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard"
• overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger
• general anxiety
• insomnia
• obsessions with death
If you experience these reactions, or more severe reactions such as the following, for longer than 6 weeks, it might be an indication of the development of Post Traumatic Stress:
I understand this time might be difficult for you. You might also become emotional. You can support yourself by being patient and supportive with yourself.
Stick to normal routines as far as possible, and do things you normally enjoy doing.
Right now, your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Yet, over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.
Also remember – you might experience distress or impairment in social & occupational spheres (it is as example normal for productivity to drop 25%-45% for a duration of approximately 3 months afterwards)
In general whether you are male or female:
Some of the following suggestions may be helpful.
The idea of who you are now is a question every survivor must face. There is no easy answer. Discovering the new you is equally challenging whether you knew who you were before trauma, or not. Here’s why: who you were or didn’t have a chance to be is only one of many facets of who you are today, but it isn’t the sole factor deciding who you can become. Even if you have a self to remember you cannot go back to that self; the most you can do is bring elements of that self forward. So, we’re all in the same boat when it comes to creating a post-trauma identity—it starts with who you are today and expands as you discover more and more of who you want to be tomorrow. Key factors to consider when seeking to verify the new you include:
Values are things upon which you place great importance. They are the principles by which you live your life and the standard to which you hold yours and others’ behaviors. Being clear on your values is like having a roadmap for living; it tells you when to turn and which road to go down in to order to get to the desired destination.
Beliefs are your ideas about what is true. These can be tricky after trauma. Beliefs often get distorted in the wake of the bad things that happened. For example, since your trauma you may believe you are dirty, to blame, permanently damaged or always unsafe. Of course, these are false beliefs. It’s important to review your beliefs and make sure they are accurate and supportive of the life you wish to lead.
Desires are critical in your post-trauma world. It’s too easy to forget you have choices and deserve to get what you want, whatever that may be. Getting back in touch with your desires puts you back in touch with a life-affirming energy. And also, puts you back in touch with your desire to live. Asking yourself, “What do I want?” in any moment—and focusing on healthy answers to that question—and then giving those things to yourself puts you in the process of beginning to create the experiences and life you’re most wishing you had.
While we shy away from pain it can be very useful in this process of rediscovery. What brings you grief, sadness, loss and a sense of disconnection can actually illuminate what’s most important to you (your values, beliefs and desires). Where there’s pain there’s love (of an idea, a person, a thing). There’s also the seed for knowing what will help you heal: What would bring the opposite of the pain? That’s pain’s gift to you—it illuminates what’s important and challenges you to make those things priorities.
When you think about answering the question, “Who am I now?” it’s easy to get overwhelmed. There’s so much to consider. A useful guide to follow: Think about who you are in this moment—that’s all. Make the definition small in time but wide in scope. Meaning, it’s only about today but including all the facets and facts about who you are today that include trauma, and the rest of what is true about your values, beliefs and desires. Your self-definition becomes incredibly important in healing symptoms of PTSD and trauma because it helps you gain clarity about yourself, your choices, and what your future can be. It’s an idea that can develop slowly, over time and at a pace that feels comfortable to you.
Ask yourself -
What about me today is the same as it was before the trauma? Who you are is made of thousands of traits, qualities, characteristics, values and beliefs. Some of those will change after trauma; others will remain the same. Some you may explicitly remember from before; others you may intuitively feel were present. For example, I loved to dance prior to my trauma, and I still love to dance today.
What traits, qualities, characteristics, values and beliefs drive how I see, think and behave today? How you filter and respond to the world defines who you are both inside yourself and also to others who observe and interact with you. Identifying your major drivers begins to form a picture of what describes you.
Lastly, be aware you may feel anger at the perpetrator/s, the people you believe should have protected you, the world, at God, and at yourself. It's okay to express it.
Ask yourself:
Has the event affected your religiousness and if so, in what ways?
Has your religion or spirituality been involved in the way you have coped with this event? If so, in what way?
While it is a process and takes time, you will find meaning in this event. Use that knowledge and experience to learn and grow from it.
Use what happened to you to teach others: by sharing your survival tips or coping skills as example, you just may partake in saving another life somewhere, in the future!
Heck, the issue is not “IF” this or that happens, the question rather is “WHEN”, type of, how often, and what to do to survive; especially how to try and rise above it.
And before I provide ‘standard’ responses traumas, I also have a quick question or so to throw in, just to ponder on in the meantime-
Amidst everything we try to overcome, how often do we consider and empathise with personal differences in coping; also, how our different genders might deal with their experiences of trauma? And, what might possible influences be in our relationships?
Do men and women react differently to trauma? Yes. Does it mean one suffers more than the other? No. Do the differences confuse and often create more tension for couples or the children? Unfortunately too often (That is an additional Topic/Blog altogether, sorry). Is there a difference how children and adults cope with trauma? Yes.
Do we all simply struggle with the same issues to deal with Trauma/s?
Our male counterparts (always remember I write from a female perspective!) experience different attitudes towards life, different acute reactions, different coping styles and different socialisation.
Very often our male counterparts live by all or nothing responses, emotional disconnection or emotional constriction. Also, anger and/or aggressive outbursts, self blame, sexual dysfunction etc. Women might rather tend towards sleeping, sulking, bitching and blaming.
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. There is no right way and no wrong way – unless your coping skills might be negative (i.e. alcohol, drugs, isolation) and unless the grieving period/s continue too long and have impact on loved ones or friends or other family.
Note that THIS is IMPORTANT – Know that after experiencing any trauma, there WILL be a grieving process. Whether it be loss of beliefs (i.e. I thought I was safe; I thought I was above this, I thought I could protect myself and my loved ones) You might grieve the loss of religion, safety, gender beliefs, sexuality; and so much more.
In general, men especially find it difficult as they feel they should have been able/ were required to protect their partner/s. He should have grabbed the gun, He should have grabbed the knife, He should have....
Mostly I am so thankful you (male, female, others) did not blindly succumb to social indoctrinations. Because - If you grabbed the gun...would you have been alive today? Your children? Your wife?
When I counsel anyone who has undergone a trauma, I like to supply them with a ‘letter/document’ after our first session, something tangible to take home, to read when needed, to share with their families ; which captures what they might expect –
Dear….
You have undergone a traumatic experience:
A trauma normally entails an intense shocking confrontation with a possible, life threatening situation. In general, a trauma can be so threatening that a person’s existing coping skills or resources are not really equal to the threat, and may furthermore be inadequate to deal with the negative meanings attached to the traumatic event. Amongst others, a trauma leaves you with feelings of helplessness and anger, and you ‘see’ the world from a different perspective (normally negatively) than before.
Such a traumatic experience could have intense emotional consequences and trauma debriefing and/or counseling is normally recommended to help in preventing the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This occurs when the survivor still experiences the effects of the trauma approximately 6 weeks after the experience/s. Persons who have been subjected to traumatic experiences before, are especially sensitive to developing Post Traumatic Stress.
You may experience the following symptoms for a period of time: (please keep in mind that these reactions are ‘normal reactions to an abnormal events’, such as a robbery, kidnapping, rape, assault, and others; even though each trauma is unique in what is experienced):
Physical
• Eating disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sexual dysfunction
• Low energy
• Chronic, unexplained pain
Emotional
• Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Fearfulness
• Compulsive and obsessive behaviors
• Feeling out of control
• Irritability, angry and resentment
• Emotional numbness
• Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships
Cognitive
• Memory lapses, especially about the trauma
• Difficulty making decisions
• Decreased ability to concentrate
• Feeling distracted
• ADHD symptoms
The following additional symptoms of emotional trauma are commonly associated with a severe precipitating event, such as a natural disaster, exposure to war, rape, assault, violent crime, major car or airplane crashes, or child abuse. Extreme symptoms can also occur as a delayed reaction to the traumatic event.
Re-experiencing the Trauma
• intrusive thoughts
• flashbacks or nightmares
• sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event
Emotional Numbing and Avoidance
• amnesia
• avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event
• detachment
• depression
• guilt feelings
• grief reactions
• an altered sense of time Increased Arousal
• hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard"
• overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger
• general anxiety
• insomnia
• obsessions with death
If you experience these reactions, or more severe reactions such as the following, for longer than 6 weeks, it might be an indication of the development of Post Traumatic Stress:
- Dissociation (depersonalisation, derealisation, fugues, amnesia)
- Intrusive re-experiencing (terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks)
- Extreme emotional numbing (completely unable to feel emotion, as if empty)
- Extreme attempts to avoid disturbing memories (such as through alcohol or other substance use)
- Hyper-arousal (panic attacks, rage, extreme irritability, intense agitation)
- Severe anxiety (debilitating worry, extreme helplessness, compulsions, obsessions)
- Severe depression (loss of the ability to feel hope, pleasure, or interest; feeling worthless)
I understand this time might be difficult for you. You might also become emotional. You can support yourself by being patient and supportive with yourself.
Stick to normal routines as far as possible, and do things you normally enjoy doing.
Right now, your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Yet, over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.
Also remember – you might experience distress or impairment in social & occupational spheres (it is as example normal for productivity to drop 25%-45% for a duration of approximately 3 months afterwards)
In general whether you are male or female:
Some of the following suggestions may be helpful.
- Know you can live through this. You may not think so but you can.
- Know that you have acted correctly during the incident. You are alive and unhurt, so that means you have done the rights things. Well done!
- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. If necessary, let go.
- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened, even though it is not pleasant.
- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses… You are not crazy; you are in mourning (e.g. experiencing loss of safety, loss of beliefs, loss of time, etc)
- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it. But: If you acted differently, would you still be alive?
- Guilt can also turn into regret through forgiving yourself for the things you think you have done wrong.
- Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.
- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. Give yourself time to heal.
- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride.
- Try to put off major decisions. It’s not a good idea to make big decision for up to 3 months afterwards.
- Give yourself permission to get professional help if needed.
- Be aware of the pain of others and be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.
- Set your own limits and learn to say 'No' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing at this stage.
- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
- What have you learnt from the experience…? You might not know now. But eventually, you will.
- Call on your personal faith to help you through.
- Exercise, eat healthy and be good to yourself. Your body needs energy to support the healing process. If necessary, take a vitamin supplement. “Rescue” as example is a herbal remedy which also assists to combat stress and sleeping problems.
- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself.
- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go, however, doesn't mean forgetting. We are not computers we do not have a “delete’ button. We are not designed “to forget”.
- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.
The idea of who you are now is a question every survivor must face. There is no easy answer. Discovering the new you is equally challenging whether you knew who you were before trauma, or not. Here’s why: who you were or didn’t have a chance to be is only one of many facets of who you are today, but it isn’t the sole factor deciding who you can become. Even if you have a self to remember you cannot go back to that self; the most you can do is bring elements of that self forward. So, we’re all in the same boat when it comes to creating a post-trauma identity—it starts with who you are today and expands as you discover more and more of who you want to be tomorrow. Key factors to consider when seeking to verify the new you include:
Values are things upon which you place great importance. They are the principles by which you live your life and the standard to which you hold yours and others’ behaviors. Being clear on your values is like having a roadmap for living; it tells you when to turn and which road to go down in to order to get to the desired destination.
Beliefs are your ideas about what is true. These can be tricky after trauma. Beliefs often get distorted in the wake of the bad things that happened. For example, since your trauma you may believe you are dirty, to blame, permanently damaged or always unsafe. Of course, these are false beliefs. It’s important to review your beliefs and make sure they are accurate and supportive of the life you wish to lead.
Desires are critical in your post-trauma world. It’s too easy to forget you have choices and deserve to get what you want, whatever that may be. Getting back in touch with your desires puts you back in touch with a life-affirming energy. And also, puts you back in touch with your desire to live. Asking yourself, “What do I want?” in any moment—and focusing on healthy answers to that question—and then giving those things to yourself puts you in the process of beginning to create the experiences and life you’re most wishing you had.
While we shy away from pain it can be very useful in this process of rediscovery. What brings you grief, sadness, loss and a sense of disconnection can actually illuminate what’s most important to you (your values, beliefs and desires). Where there’s pain there’s love (of an idea, a person, a thing). There’s also the seed for knowing what will help you heal: What would bring the opposite of the pain? That’s pain’s gift to you—it illuminates what’s important and challenges you to make those things priorities.
When you think about answering the question, “Who am I now?” it’s easy to get overwhelmed. There’s so much to consider. A useful guide to follow: Think about who you are in this moment—that’s all. Make the definition small in time but wide in scope. Meaning, it’s only about today but including all the facets and facts about who you are today that include trauma, and the rest of what is true about your values, beliefs and desires. Your self-definition becomes incredibly important in healing symptoms of PTSD and trauma because it helps you gain clarity about yourself, your choices, and what your future can be. It’s an idea that can develop slowly, over time and at a pace that feels comfortable to you.
Ask yourself -
What about me today is the same as it was before the trauma? Who you are is made of thousands of traits, qualities, characteristics, values and beliefs. Some of those will change after trauma; others will remain the same. Some you may explicitly remember from before; others you may intuitively feel were present. For example, I loved to dance prior to my trauma, and I still love to dance today.
What traits, qualities, characteristics, values and beliefs drive how I see, think and behave today? How you filter and respond to the world defines who you are both inside yourself and also to others who observe and interact with you. Identifying your major drivers begins to form a picture of what describes you.
Lastly, be aware you may feel anger at the perpetrator/s, the people you believe should have protected you, the world, at God, and at yourself. It's okay to express it.
Ask yourself:
Has the event affected your religiousness and if so, in what ways?
Has your religion or spirituality been involved in the way you have coped with this event? If so, in what way?
While it is a process and takes time, you will find meaning in this event. Use that knowledge and experience to learn and grow from it.
Use what happened to you to teach others: by sharing your survival tips or coping skills as example, you just may partake in saving another life somewhere, in the future!
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